Get Well Quick!

He sat across from the Health Tech Shaman who had just outlined all of the improvements he could expect with his membership. “Look,” he said. “Don’t blow smoke up my ass.”

“I understand,” the Shaman said, smiling above her cybernetic lip plate. “It seems unusual, but we not only have documented our cases with all reputable medical boards, we also have a Four Star rating with the-”

“Yeah, yeah,” he interrupted. “I’ve heard this all before. And it all amounts to blowing smoke up my ass. I want some real improvement in my life. I feel like shit all the time, and if I’m going to try you guys out… Well, you understand what I’m getting at.”

“All of our treatments are homeopathic. We’ve engineered all of our flora and fauna to maximize their well-being potential, and our top scientists have been cross trained by some of the best mystic healers in the world. We guarantee that you’ll be feeling better in no time.”

He thought about it. He looked again at the brochures in his hands while the Shaman opened her third eye implant with a stylus, then used the stylus to make some notes on a tablet.

“Fine,” he said finally. “Let’s get started then.”

Minutes later, and hundreds of¬†health-creds poorer, he was stripping down in a white room. Soft chanting was wafting down from the small speaker in the ceiling. The Shaman was taking bundles of herbs and other plants out of a small drawer that had slid seamlessly out of the wall, and was loading them into a device next to the cushioned table. She then produced a small face mask with a small tank attached to it, and put it over his face. “To help you relax,” she said. He immediately fell limp and she caught him with strong arms and lay him face down on the table.

“Now what?” he mumbled. She just smiled and took a hose from the machine, he could smell something like leaves burning and noticed a wisp of smoke from the nozzle. “Hey!” he tried to say. He tried again. “Hey. Waas that?” She just smiled again, and then shoved the nozzle straight up his rectum and turned the blower of the machine on.

“You’ll feel better soon,” she said softly as she blew smoke up his ass.

 

What is it with me and sci-fi anal intrusions? 

 

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